Hey there all you in blogesphere.

It’s been a while since I’ve written, I know. Circumstantially, I just haven’t had the writers bug. I’ve been working 40, 50 hour weeks, and really loving it. There are those moments, though, where I wish I could go back to the way things used to be. This single thing has been really, really hard for me. When you love someone, it’s really hard to stop loving them cold turkey, especially when there aren’t many bad things about this person.

I picked up my bible willingly for the first time yesterday morning, and while reading proverbs, every scripture was on a broken heart, or crushed spirit. I sat in my bed and cried the majority of the morning. I guess this is where the healing process begins?

The place where vulnerability meets the will of God, and trust is guided with grace.

Do I love this place? Well… it’s not my favorite. I’m sad first thing in the morning, and trudge through the day until I start work. But yesterday morning gave me this beautiful glimpse of hope. Seeing beyond what I’m feeling.

Whatever happens with things in the future. I know this:

My heart and hope are hidden on high ground. Handing out grace, renouncing my frowns. I’ve moved along the earth searching for my place. While all along here, You, Oh God have set the pace. Marking out the plans before me, to where I will place my feet. Though many may strike against me, they have already been beat. To Him who is able to do exceedingly more than I could ever ask or imagine for. Glory, and honor are Yours, now and forever.

Christ is > my singleness.

Samantha.

A woman in the Bible, Rahab, was a prostitute. She was spared during a battle in her city because she wanted to be on the “side of God”. Well her lineage is something in the history books for sure, as her family tree goes like this: Rahab is the mother of Boaz, Boaz is the father of Obed, who was the father of Jesse, who was the father of David…. Skipping a couple of generations and here we end up…. Jacob was the father of Joseph, the husband of Mary, of whom Jesus was born, who is called Christ. Rahab was a sin-filled woman with a controversial story. A castoff. She was imperfect, immoral, and improper. She was handpicked to be apart of His lineage. She was redeemed by faith she had put in God. I sometimes can’t see my own two feet in front of me. But this was a good reminder that my circumstances, no matter how big they can get, are no match for the outrageous plan the Lord has for those who have faith to believe that he is who he says he is.

To my sweet twentysomething friends: I recently have broken up with my boyfriend, Tyler - and in support, some of my single girlfriends in ministry, and myself, created a blog for girls like us who need to cope, but not in front of people we don’t know face to face… On the blog, we talk real life, real feelings, and fight for our relationship with a real God who we know loves us WAY more than we know!  Check it out if you’re interested, and read our stories. This was an excerpt I wrote the other day in response to what the Lord has been teaching me. Enjoy lovelies! xoxoo!

Sitting in a small office, I poured my heart out to a woman with many wise words.  Her wisdom flowed so graciously as she helped me understand my never ending need for a father.  My never ending need for my spirit to cry out, Abba – Daddy… I need you…

You see the last three months I have been living with my Dad, and my step mom.  My dad is what they call a “functional alcoholic”.  He drinks every night beginning at, or around 4 – and he doesn’t stop until he goes to bed – which is anytime between 11 and 2 in the morning.  He sleeps probably 5/6 hours a night, goes to work where he is a lead inside sales manager, and he does the whole thing over again.  He drove off of a bridge when I was 8 years old because of his problem, and now almost 15 years later, my heart still feels like that little girl who just needs her Dad. Alive, by the grace of God – those issues are obviously surfacing.

My issues with my biological Dad aren’t the only ‘daddy’ issues I have, unfortunately.

When I was 9 years old, my mom met, and married this all around gentleman from Texas.  He was tall, handsome, and had perfect teeth. He had a way of making me feel like I was so special, and did this guerrilla love thing with us. The man I pictured walking me down the isle when I got married, was him. He had some flaws though. Flaws, that through the years got worse, and worse.  He called me every name in the book, pulled me out of bed to prove a point, slammed me against walls, kicked me, grabbed me, shook me, locked me out, locked me in, spit at me, and everything else you could fit into an emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive home…  When I was 21, he put a gun to my moms head, and she finally left him.  And do you know what my first thought was?

Who’s going to walk me down the isle?

And since then, my daddy issues have been tucked away, pushed aside, and left for later.

“Well, Honey, later is now it seems…” The wise woman told me today.

My boyfriend was that “Father figure” replacement as I moved back in with my biological Dad.  Ty provided this security, and vacation from the flack I would get from my Dad while he’s drunk.  He protected me when I needed a place to stay, or talk to.  And today, these words were circling around my head as I cried and cried…

he’s not your dad… I am.

The mental versus the emotional are a strange battle.  But to move forward to a confident, single, God fearing woman, I must face the issues as they come. No more pushing problems down, and away.  I have Dad issues. Words spoken to me for years that I’ve been believing.  And right now – I say no more.  It’s time to heal, and move forward.

Single Again,

Sam

Romans 8:15 {For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you 
have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!”}

Did you too sing those first few lines of the ever so popular diva-esque song?  I know I did, and I don’t even remember who sang it.  Tina Turner, or Whitney?  Meh. Details.

But I do like the title of my ‘first blog in quite some time’. (It really has been a while)…  I don’t know what I have been doing, but OBVIOUSLY it wasn’t writing to you fine, and loverly people. 

SO many great things have been happening in life - but I will spare you the detes until another blog post comes along … for now - let’s home team it up for a second, shall we?  I see I have some new followers, and I thought before we dive deep into this post - I’ll introduce myself :) ****

I’m Samantha. I love Jesus, SouthEast Portland, fresh cut grass, teen moms, my psychology course, Tyler, and I can’t believe I’m saying this…. My car, Gigi.  Which stands for ‘Grandma Gangster Car’.  Her rap name is ‘GiGi C’.  You’re welcome. ****

Here, we dive in deep to the things of life, and the Lord, and we don’t do any of that tippy toe action.  We get right into the nitty gritty of it all, and we swim, not sink, because we know that we are, A) Figuring out that there is a real God out there who loves us, and carries us, and we still need to test out a few kinks in that, or B) Understanding more everyday that God loves us, carries us, transforms us, and not only does he foster us, but he keeps us, and adopts us.  Praise Jesus :) 

Everyday, as women, (Or men - some of you are following me after all :) we are faced everyday, from the moment we put our feet on the floor, we are gutted with this void.  It begins with hunger, or the bad pizza you ate the night before (Ehhem- Men!), and ends the day with not feeling fully satisfied in something.  It really could be anything from, “I burnt my toast, and was late to school”, to “That boy didn’t smile back at me, and barely said looked at me all day”.  Oh - Here’s another one.  “I needed this, but didn’t get it, so let me be sad so I can deal with what to do next.”  You feel empty - like something good-for-you is missing, and we aimlessly wonder, searching for the hope of something good to be on its way.  Soon.

Umm. Hi. Have you been there? Oh.  Because I have. Like.. Today actually.  In fact.  The past month.

Here’s where we go deep.  Strap on those life jackets ;)

I am not about to waltz in here twentysomethings and pretend like I have this DOWN… Because I’m writing this blog for all of those who are like me - who don’t have this down. 

I have a void.  A big one.  I have empty spots all up and down my heart, and my soul, and my gut, and I have felt weary, and tired, and selfish, and complacent, and all those gross, crazy things people warn you about if you don’t take care of the fact that we cannot afford to think we can do it all on our own. We actually weren’t created to do anything on out own.  

Think back to Eve.  Adam was hers, and she was his.  Ezer Kenegdo the Hebrew says. God’s word to women. Same with Ruth, and Boaz, and *duh duh du dunnn! * (Singing voice) Jesus - to you; to me.

Each person, partnered with their hero who saved the day.  Granted, Adam didn’t “save the day” when Eve took a bite - but he did follow her - made babies with her, and I bet in Eve’s eyes - no matter what - they were in this together, and they were beginning to realize that because of what they did - they were separated from paradise - but not separated from God. 

Today, I needed someone to rescue me from my thoughts that were beginning to run with the best of what God has given me right now.  Thoughts that were causing so much hurt, and pain, that I knew if I didn’t pray about it right away, they would just continue to get carried away.  

Jesus - I need you.  Please, come and rescue me.  Please come, and bring me peace, and confidence, and hope that things always get better.  Where there is adversity - Victory lingers close by.  Help me to remember those truths.  You are my hero, and I love you. 

We all need a hero.  Because we all need, or will need to be rescued at some point in our existence. And the only one who can give you the peace that I feel right now as I type all this hodge podge out - is Jesus.  His kindness brings me to repentance, and I am given grace, and forgiveness.

All’s Grace,

Samantha :)